Okay. I haven’t posted here on Emerging Silence for a spell. But right now I am at college, am going good with the job, and church is going iffy but alas I’m doing better than worse I suppose. Kinda hard to relay all I’m feeling but I thought I’d just let this out here rather than not at all! I have a report due for the scholarship for college this Friday and if I don’t do it then I’m sunk. I lose all the money— or rather I have to pay all or most tuition— and I lose the responsible person I am. I pray that my teacher can find the email I sent her and I pray that the CCAP people will be gracious if I am unable to get her signature on time. Just I feel so stupid and mad at myself and concerned and sort of steamed… honestly just want to stop time and cry and laugh and speed up time and run away all at the same time. So yeah I need help. I really need help. And I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m praying anyway. Lord Jesus please help me!!! (Also, please heal momma and help us all financially! We are sort of hurting- in fact the whole nation is hurting- and I am so tired and confused and deep into the daily grind I’ve left myself emotionless and drained and falsely happy at many times. We all need relief. And real relief. And we need it soon.)
Today I am 18!! Hard to believe but I’m pretty happy :) Bless the Lord for His mercy through it all. Happy Birthday to me and Thank you Jesus, Glory to You for getting me so far. I’ve had a peace today and E Bee is stepping out confident in the Lord of the great things He will do!!! :D Gotta just keep moving on. <3
Stuff about life as of now (I haven’t written anything in a while anyway)
So here it goes. I’m at that point in life. Sure, there’s a whole lot more ahead of me, but it seems like my life so far is coming to an end. And where it’s ending at this time in my life is not what I would have ever desired. I think it all started last year. I’m not sure why, but it’s not stopping. Life and my mind and my heart and who I am and everything is just getting less clear and is sort of panning out to be more difficult than ever. Quite honestly it is rather hard to explain intentionally and put into words how I feel. While I’m not entirely depressed, I’m not filled with joy. And I am trying to seek the Lord but still have barriers. So maybe I look somewhat connected to the Lord but I feel like I set too high of goals and dreams for myself. I feel like there is something missing. Part of that is because of lust. Part of that is just growing up. Happiness has been with me, and in the little simple things, of course. And I wish so intently to be truly moved by blessings in my life. All these different childhood memories and recent teen memories come rushing back and I realize that I wish so much to be there instead. I wish so intently to go to Liberty instead of Western. I wish so intently to feel. And I don’t know why all of the feelings are gone. And I can’t comprehend why people don’t understand or love me sometimes, or why I don’t have friends or good social skills and ugh I just don’t understand. Wisdom is what I want. I feel like I want a lot of stuff. See that’s the thing about blogging is because there’s always this feeling of I want that and this, and lust just takes over your life, you see. And you feel like you need to be defined by something and want to be able to say who you are by what you love or what you own and think one thing in the world is going to determine success and not faith. You forget about your first Love in the spiritual sense and your first love in the physical sense, ie David Johnson who, mind you, doesn’t really even exist anymore. Which is tragic, but I cannot say at all that I exist anymore. See that’s the thing, it’s hard to ever say that people change. Like how could I have ever changed into this if you say people stay the same? I don’t want to change. I don’t want others to change. In fact, if I could just have someone say I’m beautiful I might feel a little better each day. But you God says it. Maybe that’s the deal though. Maybe I’m just rejecting God and blame it on the enemy when really my flesh is aching and longing but I am letting my flesh win and it torments me and brings me to my knees and places and burns thoughts in my head that I’d rather not be there. I think I have to go somewhere through a smell. I think that people actually listening to me and responding to me is going to change the world. I think I can change the world. Does everyone have that thought that they are a person and they have a destiny but not just think it but honest-to-goodness grasp it without any doubt and see it and reach for it? I don’t know. Plus I don’t even comprehend a lot about this whole doubt thing or about this repetition thing or this thing about love or anything. All is just noise in my head and it’s drowning out the words that used to play a simple, melodic, flowing tune. Have I done this to myself? Is that why thoughts connect with my heart and lead me astray? Is sin and lust so prevalent but I keep saying it is okay, you’re fine, don’t worry, it’s just for now, no one is getting hurt? You’re getting hurt. You’re allowing yourself to make your own life. You just can’t let the Truth set you free. You just can’t let go… and let go of the person you need to release the most. You can’t live without pain because it helps you feel that you’re not dead. You can’t really understand true life and freedom again. That’s it. You’re in shackles, and you’re going through the motions, just waiting for life to go somewhere. You can’t face reality. But I don’t blame myself for that one.
What I hate the most is change. Sure some things are going great and such. But still. Change just gets me. Also, when things are good and all and I guess I become comfortable with life that’s when things are good… or wait. Like with Rhett and Link. It was a constant to have it like it was, and then they had to leave. They had to leave and change had to happen. Maybe if it was by any other name it would feel okay. It’s possible that it would still be the same, because change is change. Maybe not, but still, I just hate going away. I hate not being able to connect with people. I hate that guys I love/ like always are married or taken or just not worth it in the end. Am I afraid to fail? I hate how everything I do is about trying to impress someone. Yet that someone will never know, so I cannot invest my time in them, but at the same time, they are too much to give up. I try so hard every time, but have such difficulty giving him up. AND WHY?? I don’t love him, I can’t love him. But that’s life.
Yeah okay so I’m here looking up all this Al stuff and I realize: Oh. Lots of people like him and he’s great but he’s not. You get my drift? Ya dig? This of course is why I didn’t really in the first place want to find out about the man and just like him without really knowing him. And okay I don’t really know him but still. It puts perspective on stuff. Nevertheless and regardless, I realize that someone like him is who I would want to be with someday. This is rather funny considering. I guess it has been sort of a rude awakening because I liked the scripted one (and the older one, of course, just like with David), rather than the real one. Same with myself. And yeah. It’s a funny story. So… here I am again realizing I have no hope and it’s less than a week until Valentine’s day and I will have never had a love (as in a man, don’t hate me…) my entire childhood. But really, I’m okay with that. Just. My. Life.
Okay so while doughnuts are great and all… I kind of wish for a valentine. Yeah I’m not the hottest chick on the block, but seriously why can’t some college guy or something come up and tell me that he’s interested to some degree and want to actually go on a date or something. I mean it’s not that difficult. Sure I may be a little bit off key personality wise but isn’t there a guy out there who is preppy and desiring of love and is a tad depressed but wants desperately to be with the Lord and likes food and is intelligent and likes the country and the south and wears glasses and is compassionate but manly and is conservative and simply wants God to be honored in everything he does, including relationships? Isn’t there a guy still out there like these older folks? Have they all gone away? Is it possible for me to find someone with great hair and has great passion but tries his best to stray from that? Isn’t there someone like coach who has that picture perfect smile and wears amazing bespoke clothing and loves snow and puppies and cars? How about someone who cooks to pick up ladies? Any Alton Browns out there? Any longwings? Please answer. I’m not desperate, right. I mean, am I? I… I just don’t seem to understand why there aren’t any guys my age that are similar to the older guys that I always fall hard for. I mean, I don’t know what I would do… kiss I suppose. Get lost in each other’s’ eyes. Hold hands. Run our fingers through one another’s’ hair. Go hiking and simply understand one another. Just like a friend. Desire to be with the other person, whether words or spoken or not. Like being with Jesus. Something that seems distant. Honestly….. I don’t know why things change, or why I’m so disconnected. It’s upsetting. I can’t make a move without the enemy trying to attack. My mind is on a cliff, what is wrong with me? I ask. Is my life crumbling apart? I thought church was the best place to be. Why has so much changed so quickly? Why on earth is beauty less lovely? Chicken sandwiches are just as nice. Delish, indeed. But why can’t church feel like a shelter anymore? Is there a reason that I can no longer understand my life? I’m in one of those seasons, not doubt about that. I want to be motivated, and I can’t keep hating myself or wondering who I am in general, waiting to be defined and find my identity in these worldly things. I cast them away! Sin has no hold on me and the fiery pit is not where I will reside. Indeed, I just need to surrender. There’s no point in asking, was I made for this? Because I know I wasn’t. I was made for a reason; God wanted me to live on this earth for a purpose. I am loved, I am forgiven, and those are the simple, powerful truths. I don’t need a theme song or tee-shirt faith. This real and transparent life is something that I need to live. Whether I’m a prep, hipster, or anything else under the sun. You know what, it doesn’t even matter. My identity needs to be in Christ, and He must be first. I gotta stop judging and start reaching out. I gotta stop pushing God away and do what I need to, despite my flesh yelling as loudly as possible. It’s true on so many levels what coach said: “the one who is yelling the loudest is usually losing”. And that’s why I want to be silently true. Jesus; the Holy Spirit in me; Father God. Who I worship. Who I was made for. Who I will live for. Till…The. End.
I really like how some people talk about people who don’t want gun control like so: "I’m gunna shoooot dem dang repubs!" "dey needa be shot!!!" "Gunna kill those !#$%^&*&^%$# for thinking they goottaaaw have gunns!!!!!"
Being a teeny tiny tad hypocritical, aren’t we? ;)
Valentine’s Day is a little over a month away, and as much as I would love to have a Valentine, as would any girl, it doesn’t matter. Because I love Valentine’s day. And the best part? Pink- sprinkled doughnuts. Yep. Give me a doughnut and I’ll love you forever and a day.
Christmas was good and all, but I am struggling with the fact that it wasn’t perfect. Just because of one little mishap that I let blow up in my face. And I am so tired of it! Just a few days ago I was fine, and now I have given in to depression and keep kicking myself. I am a sinner in need of a Savior, and the enemy tries his best to mess our lives up. Yet my wonderful momma reminded me that God has blessed me so much, more than I could ever comprehend, and has forgiven me and He understands and casts my sin as far as the East is from the West that I shouldn’t live under that condemnation. Yes, I sin. But wallowing in self-pity doesn’t get me anywhere. I want to move on and forward, but being horrible to my heart will only make it worse. Guilt-tripping myself won’t fix the problem. I want to say right here and now that though my sins were as scarlet, God has washed them white as snow! That is what Christmas is all about! Jesus coming down to forgive those sins. We should have joy! So what if it’s a little different or not as sentimental/ perfect/ wonderful? I have been blessed with wonderful food, wonderful family, wonderful coworkers, wonderful teachers, wonderful home, wonderful stuffed animals, and wonderful friends. Living in fear never helps anybody. Open up your eyes! Christmas doesn’t even end until January 6th! And it’ll be a new year! Be excited! Take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. And He will set you free!
Guys. It’s almost Christmas. TWO DAYS. I am finally there! I am at peace and rest and love love love that I ate Dark Chocolate and burt popcorn. SUCH a wonderful weekend. Yes, not everything has gone the way I would’ve preferred. But Jesus was born and my problems can not compare to what He did for me. 2013 is so close and I pray that everything can be restored. So Happy Christmas Eve Eve! Much Love!